


Finding Fate

by mortenavida



Category: The Avengers (2012)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, M/M, Not Beta Read, Soulmates, Suicidal Thoughts, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-10-27
Updated: 2012-12-27
Packaged: 2017-11-17 02:51:31
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 12,991
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/546845
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mortenavida/pseuds/mortenavida
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Breaking Captain America should be illegal, according to Fury, and Tony really hates that breaking America's icon is exactly what he does.  Of course Steve's soulmate would be him.  Especially when Tony doesn't have a soulmate.</p><p>(A story where Steve's soulmate is Tony, but Steve isn't Tony's -- until HYDRA comes back and reverts Steve back to little!Steve.  Tony's soulmate isn't big and strong Captain America, it's small and tiny Steve Rogers, but it may be too late to claim him.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. In the Beginning

**Author's Note:**

> Just something I'm playing around with. I have an idea of where I want to go, but it might not go past this. I haven't decided yet (which is why it's marked as incomplete right now). So many ideas, so unsure of how to get it down. This popped in my head because I'm sadistic and wanted Stony Feels.

It is something they learn about in grade school.  The first week of third grade, they are collected as a whole and told about the beauty and joy of meeting your Intended.  Steve misses the day when they do this because a cough lands him in bed.  He tells his mother that he wants to hear the stories, wants to know how it will happen.  His mother smiles, runs a hand through his sweat-soaked hair, and tells him not to worry.  She tells him to listen to his instinct and he will find the one for him.

 

She doesn't need to tell him that life will be better once you're with your Intended.  Steve can see it in Bucky's family.  He can see it in couples as they walk down the street.  She also doesn't need to tell him that life can get worse once you're with your Intended.  Steve can see it in his own living room if he dare look.  He can see the misery in his mother's eyes just as much as he can see the undying love.

 

Steve doesn't know if he wants to meet his Intended or not.  The doctors don't even think he will live long enough to meet her anyway, not with his health.

 

Bucky is the first person Steve feels relatively safe with.  At first, Steve thinks that Bucky is the one for him and, in the middle of a camping trip (a living room camping trip) when they were twelve, he says so.  Bucky laughs and says that he feels something for Steve as well, but it isn't the pull he feels toward his own soulmate.  He explains that he can feel this pull in his gut every time he makes a choice and, for some reason, Steve was Step One.

 

Steve isn't sure what to think other than "I don't feel that."  He tells Bucky this and Bucky shrugs, saying that maybe Steve is too good to have someone.  Steve just thinks that he isn't good _enough_.

 

Everyone has a soulmate, and Intended.  Everyone, it seems, except Steve.  By the time he is sixteen, Steve believes that his Intended died young, before he knew how to feel whatever the pull is.  He is so not used to feeling anything that when he _does_ , it becomes a shock.  Bucky joins the army and, suddenly, Steve knows that he has to join it, too.  He _needs_ to join it.

 

It's why he fakes his papers.  Why he goes to a different one every week.  Bucky calls him crazy, but he's there every time Steve goes to a new recruiting station.  He's there every time Steve gets rejected.

 

He isn't there the one time Steve gets accepted and he doesn't understand why.  Steve doesn't even see Bucky before he is shipped out, but he has little time to think about it before he is hustled off to a training base.  After that, he was too busy trying not to kneel over and die to worry too much about soulmates or what he was feeling or anything.

 

Peggy is nice and he likes her, but he knows that she doesn't like him.  Not like that.  Because she is eyeing one of the nice women secretaries in the camp tents and Steve can see the woman smile back.  Still, Peggy is the closest he is going to come to a crush without having them be his Intended.  She humors him, he can tell, but they grow close enough.  Steve knows he will miss her once the war is over.

 

He misses her sooner than later.  After the serum takes hold and he chases the Nazi and they dress him in tights… Steve misses Peggy and he misses Bucky and, even though he only met the man properly _once_ , he misses Howard Stark.  Steve knows that Howard is his second sign, but he only notices after he jumps from that plane to break Bucky out of the base.  He feels whole with Bucky here with him.  Buck and Peggy and Howard.

 

Steve thinks that maybe Howard is the one for him, but Howard shrugs and says that he has someone at home, someone who doesn't like the spotlight and doesn't want people to know that she is attached to him.  Steve can see Howard's depression and he hates it, hates that Howard will live like his mother and not enjoy his relationship.

 

Steve hopes that his, when it comes, will not be like that.

 

Steve takes Bucky and a few men and he enjoys himself as he destroys Red Skull's bases.  He doesn't know why, but he takes pride in watching as they explode one-by-one, despite the fact that he has to kill a lot of men to do it.  It's war, of course there are deaths.  There are casualties.  There are explosions and escapes and rescues.

 

And there is so much death.

 

Steve wishes he could die or get drunk or do something other than sit at a broken table in a broken bar and cry his stupid, useless broken tears.  Peggy tries to make him feel better, but it doesn't work.  He feels numb and there is still one more base and he doesn't think he can _do_ it.  Not without Bucky.

 

Steve goes in not caring whether he lives or dies because, after losing Bucky, he knows that nothing will be the same.  Bucky is not his Intended, but he is close enough.  There was a connection that was almost deeper and Steve doesn't think he can be whole without it.

 

So he goes to the base with every intention of dying.  He goes to the base, hoping that they will have something strong enough to kill a super soldier.  Steve gets his wish, but not the way he wants it.  He doesn't want to die a martyr.  He doesn't want to die saving people.  He just wants to die.

 

As soon as he touches the controls of the plane, he feels it.  The numbness falls away and there's a sense of this being right.  He talks to Peggy, telling her that he _needs_ to put it in the water.  That he feels like it is something he needs to do.  She cries, but she understands.  She understands because Steve had told her about his oddity with finding his soulmate.  She will not deny him this.

 

Crashing the plane in the arctic is his third pull and Steve accepts it willingly.  He accepts the water rushing into his lungs and the ice sealing over his body.  He doesn't care if it hurts because it's so right.

 

Waking up in a white, cold room feels _wrong_ and Steve _hates_ it.  He can hear the false city and the false words and the game he had been to with Bucky.  He sees the worried smile and can feel her fear.  He _hates_ it and he wants out.  So he takes a deep breath and leaves, physically, and runs until he's so dizzy he can't stand.

 

A black man –and isn't that odd to see one in such a high power- tells him that he is in the future.  Steve is confused, but he looks around and he believes it.  He hates this flashy city and it's big ways and he misses everything about what he left behind.

 

Except for one thing.  The hook in his chest is strong and it's settled right on his heart.  His Intended is in the future, he can _feel_ it.  Steve panics and it's like he is having an asthma attack despite the serum.  He cries in the middle of Times Square, arms wrapped around his waist, and begs whomever might be listening that this would be real, that this would be true.

 

The man, Fury, asks him to come back to their base, or at least stay at a local branch, and learn about the future.  When he agrees, he feels as if his entire heart is ripped out of his chest and he knows that it was the right choice.  His fourth sign.  Steve wants to meet the girl he is obviously meant to be with so bad that he doesn't care what this SHIELD does.

 

He would gladly strike through civilians just for a chance, just for a glimpse, of the one person that would have escaped him had he not listened to himself and flown that plane into the ice.

 

Fury approaches him a few weeks later with a file and a warning.  Steve stares at the Tesseract and takes a deep breath.  He never wanted to see this damned thing again, but it seems as though his past is following him.  Steve lets out a sigh and tells Fury that he should have left it in the ocean, but he does accept the mission.

 

If it could, Steve knows that his heart would have run from his chest.  It is the fifth sign and, honestly, Steve is tired of the signs.

 

He barely pays any attention as he is flown to the Helicarrier.  He shakes Doctor Banner's hand and feels guilt that the man's life is ruined trying to become a super soldier.  He enjoys speaking with Coulson and he sees a little of Peggy in the man.  He is nice to speak to and Steve readily agrees to sign the Captain America cards.  He disagrees with becoming such a legend, but he cannot deny this man his request.  Steve can see that it is important and he hates to let him down.

 

Steve is silent as he boards the jet to Germany.  Romanoff is silent, but her co-pilot fills him in on what is going on, who they are after, and what they might find.  Steve knows this, but he can tell that reiterating this is simply a way for the man to relax.  Steve lets him talk, nodding when he thinks it is appropriate.

 

It isn't long before he is fighting with Loki, a so-called God.  Steve doesn't believe this until he throws a punch and the only thing Loki does is look at him with a hurt expression.  Steve saw that expression on Bucky the first time someone had hit him, demanding to know after why they dared to do that.  He tries to hit Loki harder just because of the memory that he doesn't want to remember.

 

He is down and he is tired when a strange kind of music suddenly blasts through the square.  There is something growing in Steve and he has no idea what it is, and he is unsure if he likes it.  He looks around as a metal suit comes crashing in, knocking Loki out of the way.  From the files Steve had been given, he knows this is Tony Stark.  This is Howard's son.

 

As 'Iron Man' lands and threatens Loki, Steve knows that this is more than just that.  He knows that this is more than just a man he will meet and work with.

 

No, this is his Intended.  This is his soulmate.   He is giddy through the entire confrontation with Loki and, when they finally get aboard the jet again, Steve turns to Tony with a wide smile.  Tony returns the smile with an arched eyebrow and words, but Steve is too drunk on the feeling of being around Tony that he hears nothing.

 

Tony asks him what is wrong, and Steve finds himself being unable to stop his words.  "You're my soulmate," he says, reaching a hand out to Tony.

 

Tony simply bats his hand away and levels Steve with a glare that shatters his heart.  "Out of everyone that has ever pulled that line on me, I never expected it from Captain America.  I'm going to tell you the same damn thing I told every other girl or guy or whatever that tried that shit, okay?  I don't have a match.  I don't have a fated mate.  That part of me is dead and has been dead since I was born so _thank_ you for reminding me."

 

From his seat, Loki laughs and tells Steve that he could have said that because he can see the threads that connect people.  Tony has no threads inching out from him.

 

Steve punches the so-called god just as thunder rumbles across the sky.  Loki's bloody nose is soon the last thing on his mind and he is all-to-happy with the distraction.


	2. There Is Pain

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> November is National Novel Writers Month and this if my "day one" crack so far! ~700 isn't that bad, if I do say so myself. Another 1k and I'm done for the day! What does this mean for Changing Tides and Finding Fate (and my boatload of other fic)? Well, I'm not doing an official novel this year – I'm just using it to get my butt in gear and get me back to putting words on paper every day. In the long run, this could possibly mean faster updates because I'm making more time for writing! We'll see how it goes.

Steve is numb through the entire battle. Fighting with Tony in the lab had torn something inside him that he doesn't think he will ever fix. Fighting beside him as they tried to restart the engine broke him even more and Steve doesn't even know _why_. The fight in New York is a decent distraction for what he is feeling. Fighting, defending those around him, trying to protect civilians – he pushes himself into it only so he doesn't have to think about the red and gold figure flying through the sky.

Flying that twice-damned nuclear _bomb_ through the portal.

Steve feels himself shatter the moment the Iron Man suit disappears into the void. He barely feels strong arms wrap around him and bring him to the ground. The army around them all hesitate at the move and he is sure they are confused because they do not attack. Steve does not care. Steve wants to _die_. Steve cannot stand to suddenly be in a world without Tony Stark, whether he had him or not.

In the end, it is Thor who voices that the portal should be closed. Steve hears himself cry out and the sound that comes from his throat is so unlike him that he doesn't truly believe that it is his. Thor holds him tighter, murmuring words in a language Steve cannot begin to comprehend. It doesn't help and Steve can feel his asthma returning. He can feel the organs in his body finally dying as they should have in the ice.

There is no Tony, there is no reason to live. It is as simple as that.

Thor suddenly goes still. Steve does not look up until Thor calls out Tony's name. Steve looks up then, looks up to see the achingly familiar suit plummeting to the ground. The broken body he had felt is suddenly gone, and Steve is back with his muscles and his strength and his _damned inability to help_. Because Tony is falling too fast, and they all know it.

Steve never thought that he would see the day that he is glad to see Hulk, but today has proved that he and the Hulk should become best friends. Hulk not only helped with the invasion, but Hulk has now saved Tony's life. First by catching him, second by waking him up. Steve just wishes that he really did kiss Tony because he is sure that it would have been his only chance to do such a thing.

Steve barely remembers grabbing Clint and meeting a still broken Loki. He doesn't notice when Fury finally arrives and places the cuffs on the god's wrists. He doesn't notice when Thor threatens Loki's guards with bodily harm if his brother were to come into any distress while with them. He doesn't _notice_.

He doesn't notice at all because Tony is by his side, making snide remarks about everything. Tony is living and breathing and simply there. If Steve reaches out, he could _touch_ him, and he does. Tony doesn't feel it through the suit, but Steve touches any place he can get away with. It is mostly the suit's arm or back, but he doesn't care.

_All he can see is Tony disappearing into the black and then there's nothing but pain and heart ache._

Tony is given the Tesseract after they eat and proceeds to disappear into his building. It locks them all out and Steve spends three days simply staring at the front door, hands in his pockets while he ignores the people cleaning the streets. He should be helping, but he can't bring himself to do so. Thor distracts the workers from noticing too much, but Steve still feels guilt when he stares at his ceiling at night.

From what he knows, the only person allowed in the building apart from those that actually work there, is Pepper Potts. She is Tony's secretary and girlfriend and Steve hates her on principle. According to Natasha, Pepper's Intended hasn't been found and her desires on where to go are too weak to follow, so she stays with Tony because Tony needs her.

No. No, Tony needs _Steve_. Tony needs someone that will hold him when he has nightmares – and Steve _knows_ he has nightmares because he can feel when the ache starts. He can feel when Tony wakes up screaming and it takes all he has not to break the door to the tower and rush up to comfort him.

Tony has made it clear that he wants nothing to do with Steve when he lets Bruce into the tower. Natasha and Thor are next, and finally Clint. It is Clint that drives the stake into Steve's heart because he knows (from several people) that Tony has trust issues, and Clint had been the enemy through most of this fight. Steve has been there from the beginning, but it is Clint who gets to walk through those doors.

Steve decides to stay on the SHIELD temporary base because he knows that if he is allowed to wander any more, he will simply sit at the base of the tower like a kicked puppy and not move. Steve wishes that he stayed in the 1940's because surely it was better to never have known Tony than to suffer this.

They send Thor and Loki back home after two months, plenty of time for the streets to get cleaned and for Thor to feel as if he had made progress in proving that his realm held no ill will toward the people of Earth. It has been two months of Steve staring at ceilings, passing out when his body needed to, and very little thought of anything but Tony.

Fury and Hill have already convinced Steve to take a bike and travel as far away as he can so that the hook in his chest, the one trying to connect to Tony, will eventually relax. Too much time in the same city is twisting his mind and killing him, serum or not, because it had already begun to bond with Tony. It is Tony that cannot complete it, so Steve feels everything.

That one last meeting, the one last time that he is able to see Tony, is torture. Tony shakes his hand (Steve forces himself to let go). Tony gets into a car with Bruce. Tony drives away and Steve stands there until he can't see him anymore.

Natasha shoves him into a car and she drives (Clint on the bike behind them) until they are out of Manhattan. She drives until night falls and then she drives until the sun peeks above the horizon behind them. Steve has not stopped crying since the highway that carried him out of the city.

"We need you," Natasha says when she finally stops the car. "I know this is hard and Fury won't call in Tony unless we're desperate, but we really need you, Captain."

Clint opens the passenger door and kneels, knees resting on the lip of the car. "She's right, Steve. You have an eye that's rare on the base and, if you're willing, Fury wants you on full time. You'll get to pick and choose your missions, but you'd be paid even if you don't take it."

That's too much. Steve shakes his head. "I can't—"

"Drive and think about it, Steve." Clint pats his knee. "Fury's tracking you, so he'll be able to tell if you turn your ass around. I suggest you don't."

Steve looks to Natasha and finds comfort in her slow smile. "I'm a liability."

"No, you just got handed a very short stick. Grab a different one." Natasha pushes his shoulder. "Go."

Clint hands him the keys to the bike and shows him (unnecessarily) how to run it. He then hands over a card and says, "For gas, hotels, and food. Fury says he expects a lot of money to go on this thing, so don't disappoint him."

For once in his life, Steve wants to be selfish. He takes the card and tucks it into his jacket pocket, right by his heart. "Thank you."

"When you're ready to come back, just find a Holiday Inn and stay there for four nights." Clint salutes him and steps backwards to the car. "Any shorter than four and we'll assume you're okay. Holiday Inn, remember that!"

Steve does remember. Every time he stops at a Holiday Inn to rest, he kindly asks the desk clerk to not allow him to stay past three nights, just in case he gets cold feet. He knows he is making some in SHIELD worried when he stays at three consecutive Holiday Inns, each one for three nights, but he can't help himself. Part of him always wants to go back and just stare at the tower. He wants to see Iron Man flying again. He wants so damned much and he can't have any of it.

Steve misses Bucky most of all because Bucky can keep him grounded. Bucky can keep his mind distracted and free of the mess that Steve has thrown it into. But Bucky is dead and won't ever be able to slap Steve across the head and call him an idiot. Bucky died following him.

Maybe Tony is better off without Steve.

It is that thought that gets Steve to check out of the hotel on Day Three every time. It is that thought that pushes him from town to town, state to state. He uses the card SHIELD gave him to immerse himself in things a normal tourist would do. He avoids the television. He avoids crowds were possible.

Steve actively runs from any store selling Iron Man merchandise.

The ache in his chest lessens until it becomes a dull, but ignorable hum. In Colorado, he feels normal for the first time since he woke up. He decides to go South because he suddenly wants to see the coast. South doesn't exactly feel right, but he thinks that it is closer than going West. He just wants to slide his feet into the sand and relax.

Steve passes the boarder to Oklahoma when a pain laces through his chest so fast that he loses control of his bike. Instinct kicks in and he manages to steer it to the side of the road, but then he is on the ground, hands and knees scrapped in the dirt, and the contents of his stomach emptying in front of him. A car has pulled off behind him and the driver, a woman, calls out and asks if he is okay.

Steve can't answer that because he is _not_. He _knows_ this ache. He _knows_ this pain. He has only felt it once, but it is Tony. Tony, Tony, Tony. Something has happened to Tony. Oh _god_ he can't breathe. The woman behind him screams something and Steve doesn't hear it over the roaring in his own ears. The coast, he needs the coast. _West coast_. Why would he need that one? Tony is in New York. Tony lives in the tower with Bruce.

 _Tony is dying again_.

Steve picks himself up and waves a hand at the hysterical woman. He doesn't care that she is demanding to know if he is all right. He doesn't care that she looks scared and worried. He needs to get to Tony. Steve picks up his bike and starts it again. West Coast, West Coast. He can get there in a day or two. A day? Steve doesn't know anymore.

He doesn't think of anything but Tony until his stomach growls loud enough to distract him from driving. When he stops for a quick bite to eat, he looks up and stops at the images on the television.

Tony is in California. There is a pile of wreckage on the side of a cliff that is labeled as "Stark's Malibu Mansion." The reporter questions whether or not Tony (and Pepper, but Steve doesn't _care_ about Pepper) is dead.

Malibu. West Coast. _Tony_.


	3. And Then There is Faith

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Should have said this earlier, but my apologies for odd tense changes. I am out of my element with present tense and this really stared off as kind of a challenge. :)

Steve doesn't notice the passing of time as he drives.  He knows he stops (the gas tank is always full when he looks at it).  He knows he eats (there is a constant taste of _something_ on his tongue).  Steve knows a lot happens while he is unable to pay attention.  The distance between Oklahoma and Malibu closes until his bike parks outside of the ruined mansion.  There are no more reporters, no one to bother him as he gets off the bike.  His heart is beating fast in his chest as he looks over the damage.

 

An Iron Man helmet rests by where Steve assumes the front door used to be.  He picks it up and frowns at how it cracks in his fingers.  He has never known something that can actually pierce through Tony's armor (other than constant wear and tear), but this doesn't look like Tony fought in it.  There is no blood on it, no sign of anything but the destruction.

 

Steve can't breathe properly, but he steps across the broken doorway anyway.  He shifts through the wreckage with his feet, trying to find something other than broken walls and suit parts.   From what Fury told him once upon a time, Tony keeps all of his suits in a special chamber.  A garage underground so he can hide them from the elements.  How did they end up out here?

 

Tony is not dead, Steve can feel it, but he knows that Tony is not completely okay either.  He sucks in a breath and closes his eyes, tilting his head to face the sky.  For the first time since he was a little boy, Steve prays.  He prays to God and whoever else might be listening.  He _needs_ Tony, completely and whole, more than he needs anything else.  He needs to know that he is okay.

 

He _needs_ so damn much that he has no idea how to handle it.  Steve wants to cry.

 

The air turns around him and Steve opens his eyes to see a somewhat-familiar suit hovering over the middle of the wreckage.  The mostly-gold suit is facing him and Steve clutches at the helmet still in his hands.  It cracks further, part of the chin falling.  "Tony?"

 

The suit is silent and Steve isn't used to that.  Tony is all about noise and sound and making sure he is heard.  This is eerie.  This isn't what he expects out of this.  When the faceplate disappears and he can see the broken and battered face of the one person who completes him, Steve feels as if the world is okay.  The world will continue as normal because Tony is _here_.  Tony is _alive_.

 

Tony is landing right in front of him and taking the helmet out of his hands.  "What are you doing here, Rogers?"

 

Steve wants to kiss him.  Steve wants to hold him.  Steve wants to wrap Tony in his arms and never let go, never let someone take him away and harm him.  But he isn't allowed to do that and his heart breaks.  It shatters more than the destroyed mansion.  Steve wants to cry all over again.

 

"You don't believe me, so let's just say I'm here because you need a friend."

 

"What I need," Tony says, walking around Steve, "is a warm bath and to sleep for a week.  Maybe two."

 

Steve turns, following Tony with his eyes.  "I have a hotel close by.  You could—"

 

"Yeah, veto.  I'd rather not stay in what you think in a hotel."  Tony seems to hesitate and he turns to face Steve, face still void of emotion.

 

But Steve can read him.  Steve knows that he's hiding the pain and the grief.  Steve knows that Tony wants nothing more than to curl in a corner and sob until nothing comes out.  The part of him already attached reaches out, trying to latch onto Tony and Steve can't seem to stop himself from doing it.  He steps forward, resting a hand on the armored shoulder.

 

"I'm in whatever hotel you want to be in, Tony.  Courtesy of Fury and your new and foreign form of payment in the plastic form."

 

The joke does what Steve hopes and a small smile twists at Tony's lips.  "Is that so?"

 

Steve reaches into the pocket on his chest and pulls the well-used card out.  "That's so."

 

"Good, because I'm going to need everything I have to rebuild this."  The faceplate returns and one of Tony's arms slide around Steve's waist.  He can't breathe.  "Hang on, we'll be there soon."

 

Steve doesn't know why Tony had come back to the destroyed out and he doesn't ask.  Tony doesn't offer to give any explanation in return.  There is so much Steve wants to know, but he is too scared to ask.  He has been given a gift.  He is in the most luxurious hotel room in Malibu, sitting on the bed and watching as Tony moves around the room.  He is still in the suit and Steve can't help but notice how much smoother the movements are.

 

He has more questions once Tony drops the suit and walks into the bathroom.  Steve has seen Tony remove the suit before (and there are several bad videos online showing how it came off at the top of Stark Tower), but this is new.  Tony simply spreads his fingers and the pieces lift off his body, hovering in the air before assembling in the corner of the room.  There the armor stands, as if on its own, and stares at Steve.

 

Steve stares back and, after a moment, gives it a nod.  He had long ago accepted that certain things were normal around Tony, so why wouldn't this be?  Security armor or something, Steve doesn't care.  Tony is alive, Tony is safe, and that is all that matters.

 

He does not question it until that night while he attempts to sleep.  The armor wakes him and Steve thinks its Tony at first.  But there is no sound of breathing, of anything, and the armor is pulling him out of bed.  Steve follows it until they come to the larger bedroom of the suite.  Within the over-large bed, Tony thrashes and cries out.

 

Steve is next to him before he can think.  He takes Tony in his arms, saying whatever words happen to come out of his mouth.  He doesn't know what he says, he doesn't care, because Tony does eventually relax.  He calms until he is sleeping peacefully again.  Steve looks at the armor, questions coming to his mind again.

 

He falls asleep while watching the suit and Tony throws a fit the next morning.  When Steve explains, Tony glares and turns on the armor.

 

"You're supposed to protect me," he tells it.  "You are, not him!"

 

"It came to get me," Steve tells him, voice weak.

 

Tony turns to Steve, his eyes widening.  "Why would it to that?"

 

Steve shrugs and gets out of the bed.  "I don't know, Tony.  What happened here?"

 

Tony sucks in a sharp breath and storms out of the room, the armor following him.

 

Steve doesn't see him for four days, but he stays in that hotel, glad that it isn't a Holiday Inn.  He's sure SHIELD has already sent someone out to spy on him anyway since this is Malibu and this is Tony and they try to keep them separated after what happened with Loki.

 

When Tony does return, he looks as if he has been run over by a tank.  His eyes are tinted red, the skin below a blue-ish hue that tells Steve just how much sleep Tony has managed to avoid.  Steve is surprised that Tony has even bothered to come back to the room.

 

Tony offers no apologies, he simply tosses a pair of keys to Steve and says, "We're going back to New York.  Are you driving or are we flying?"

 

Steve doesn't think he can _not_ look at Tony.  He doesn't care about the bike and says as much.  Tony wrinkles his nose and loads it into one of his private planes an hour later.  Steve sits with Tony and his friend (James Rhodes, a military man that eyes Steve with a pitying look that Steve doesn't want) on the plane to New York.  The way they sit, the way they subtly interact, reminds Steve so much of Bucky that it hurts to think on it.  He can't even think of the man as 'James' lest he cry into his hands.

 

Rhodes has his own suit and Steve tries not to get jealous of how it looks.  It should be his suit, it looks like his suit, and he sort of wants to wear it.  Before he can voice it, Rhodes takes his suit and flies away to D.C. where he has to brief a bunch of people on what happened in Malibu.

 

Steve still doesn't know what happened in Malibu and he has kept away from media and other news areas.  He wants Tony to tell him, silently begs Tony to tell him, but Tony stays silent.  Tony doesn't say a word except to bring Steve to the tower and shut the doors behind them.  Then Tony disappears into his lab and Steve doesn't see him again.

 

Steve finds Natasha in the penthouse one morning, sitting at the table as if she belongs there.  She is disappointed, but does not require an explanation from him.  She tells him that she understands, but he should know what he is getting himself into.

 

She leaves a newspaper, dated the day before Steve got to Malibu.  He turns it over and doesn't look at it, not caring.  He wants Tony to tell him.  That night, he goes to Tony's lab and coaxes him upstairs.  Tony doesn't fight as Steve helps him change into a comfortable pair of sleep clothes.  Doesn't fight as Steve puts him to bed.  Doesn't say a word as Steve slides under the covers beside him.

 

He only fights when he is in the middle of a nightmare and Steve has to ignore the flailing arms and kicking feet.  Steve only holds on tight and tells Tony useless words of "it's okay" and "I'm right here."  He is sure Tony doesn't hear him.  He is sure, though the sobs and the sweat and the _pain in his own damned chest_ , that Tony simply cannot hear him.

 

Steve holds on as tight as he can, ignoring when his heart breaks in the morning.  When Tony wakes up and disappears from the bed so fast that Steve's head spins.  When Tony goes to the lab and ignores everything and everyone.  When Bruce returns and Tony lets him into the lab.  Steve thinks his heart can't break anymore, but it does every single day.

 

Still, Steve is the only one Tony lets hold him at night.  One night, Tony tells him that Pepper couldn't take things.  Tony tells him that Pepper left him after Malibu because Pepper is tired of being in danger, of Tony being in danger, and of her own feeling of helplessness.  Tony let her go, a full-paid trip to find the one her heart aches for.

 

Tony apologizes for not being able to answer Steve's own hold.  Thor had told him, after the war and before he left, of the thread coming from Steve.  Tony says that he hates that Steve has been burdened with this because Steve deserves better.

 

All Steve wants is for Tony to stop apologizing and he says so.  He says that all he needs is to be able to do this, to protect Tony from things.  He just wants to be by Tony's side.  Tony sucks in a breath and tells him.  Everything.

 

The Mandarin.

 

Extremis.

 

Pepper.

 

Malibu.

 

Sentient armor.

 

Steve holds tight during Tony's speech, staring at the armor that hasn't left Tony's side since they arrived.  It accepts Steve, he knows that, and it tolerates Bruce.  He doesn't know about the others because the only other he has seen is Natasha and she is gone before Tony knew.

 

Tony doesn't speak to him after that, not completely.  He lets Steve sleep next to him to keep away the nightmares, but otherwise he keeps as much distance between them as possible.  Steve finds himself speaking to Jarvis more often than not and, though the AI, he speaks to the armor.  He feels as if he has made progress because the next suit that comes out of Tony's workshop, anther sentient armor (despite what Tony insists to him while in bed), follows him around to offer protection.

 

Steve doesn't need it, but he is glad for it.  It gives him something solid to talk to and all he does is pretend that it is Tony within the empty casing.  If he curls next to it while watching television, or leans a little too close to it, well… nobody has to know but himself and Jarvis.


	4. But You Can't Outrun the Past

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about the wait, guys! I was at a con and then holidays happened. This is a bit shorter, too (sorry) and there should only be two more parts before it's done. Should being the key word there.

There are rules that come with living with Tony, and Steve insists that he can follow each and every one of them.  They are from Tony, they are what Tony wishes, so of course Steve can handle them.  He says as much and Tony's response is to wrinkle his nose and insist that Steve has broken rule number three: no mentioning the "non-existent" bond.  When Steve mentions that he doesn't know the rules yet, Tony has them posted on the wall.  And the kitchen fridge.  And the bathroom mirror.  Steve even finds one in the pocket of his pants, but the hardest one to get over was the one glued to the inside of his shield.

 

Steve knows them by heart, but he reads them whenever he passes just to make sure Tony doesn't add to the list without him knowing.  The last thing he wants to do it hurt Tony without meaning to.

 

Time passes and things are quiet.  They get the occasional visit from Thor and Clint moves into the tower, though Steve has trouble remembering exactly when that is.  One minute he is making breakfast alone, the next minute he has Clint next to him and it stays like that every morning.  If either Clint or Bruce notice the numerous lists of rules, neither comment on them in his presence.  Steve is glad and he also refrains from saying anything.

 

Natasha doesn't live with them until after the next major battle.  A group that calls themselves the Advanced Idea Mechanics attacks the tower and attempts to steal Tony's work.  It doesn't go well for them and Steve is glad to finally be able to do _something_ to help Tony besides keeping the nightmares away.  He goes into battle focused on keeping the tower safe and, by the end of the day when he is soaking in the ridiculously large tub, he is proud that he succeeds at his task.

 

When Steve makes breakfast in the morning, Natasha is there with Bruce and Clint, attempting to finish the crossword in the paper.  Something else swells in Steve's chest at the sight (even if part of him deflates because Tony isn't there) and he makes breakfast without a word.

 

Things go like this for another month and Steve finds himself comfortable in his own skin for the first time in years.  Nobody mentions the oddities that happen when Tony comes in, the way he avoids Steve completely only to drag him to the bedroom at night.  Steve doesn't need to explain that they do nothing more than sleep.  Natasha still watches him with slightly hidden pity.

 

Despite the comfort and contentedness he feels, Steve is glad when Fury approaches him with a mission.  He doesn't read most of it, but something tells him that he needs to go, so he accepts without a word.  He is surprised when he finds that Natasha will go with him, but he accepts her help and they plan to leave the next morning.

 

Something changes in Tony that night.  While still being dragged to the bed, Steve is regulated to the edge.  Tony places several pillows between them and piles the blankets over himself.  Confused, Steve merely sits against the headboard and watches him settle down to sleep.

 

"What's all this for?" he asks once Tony stops moving.

 

"Getting used to you not being here," is the only answer Tony offers.

 

Steve finds himself smiling even if he knows that Tony only wants to use him and nothing more.  He settles to sleep after that, facing the mound of pillows and blankets that hide Tony from him.  He won't push, he doesn't need to push in order to know that Tony has just gotten used to this.  It warms him that Tony is comfortable around him in this aspect, even if he isn't in others.  Steve wants to kiss him, wants to hold him close and tell him that things will be okay.

 

He closes his eyes and rolls over instead, remembering rule number four (no staring) and number one (no intimacy of any kind).  Though rule one is void by number two (only intimacy in _sleeping_ only), Steve knows his thoughts are far from pure.  He needs to sleep and he needs to prepare.

 

The mission is only to look for information.  To observe a facility that might be making weapons that Hydra used in the war.  Natasha can do this alone, Steve realizes, but she doesn't have the knowledge of weapons.  So far, Steve doesn't see any weapons and he is unsure whether or not they will.  The facility is a standard military one with no outward secrets and no suspicious activity.

 

Without warning, there is chaos.  Natasha and Steve join the fray without thinking as they take down both sides of the fighting.  Steve doesn't know what drives him, and he doesn't know what drives Natasha, but he can't stop.  Something in her eyes tell him that she can't either.  Steve doesn't question, ignores the screaming of SHIELD on their communication units, and lets his shield fly.

 

It's caught by a mechanical arm and Steve's eyes widen as the man attached to said arm walks calmly out of the warehouse as it begins to burn.  Natasha shouts something in Russian next to him and Steve takes out the gun he was forced to wear.  He doesn't want to use it, but what choice did he have?  The man looks familiar, but he also looks deadly.  He and Natasha step back and she continues to yell.

 

The man pulls back his arm to throw the shield and Natasha's voice gets desperate.  She straightens and shouts something else and Steve can't believe his eyes when the man simply crumples on the ground.  He is confused, so he follows her cues.  She doesn't holster her guns, but she nods to the shield.

 

Steve takes it and he gets a better look at the man.  Something in his heart breaks and he can only think of Bucky, but that can't be right because Bucky is dead.  Steve looks to Natasha and asks who this is, how she took care of him.

 

"He is the Winter Soldier," Natasha tells him.  "Age unknown, brainwashed by multiple groups, and very volatile.  We're going to take him back to base."

 

Steve settles the shield on his back and leans over to pick the man up.  "He looks familiar," he tells her.

 

Natasha hesitates before looking away.  "He should considering who he is.  Come on, Cap.  I'll explain on the way."

 

She tells him, slowly and gently, about her time with the Winter Soldier.  Steve can do nothing but stare and feel guilt and all he really wants to do is jump out of the plane.  This is Bucky.  This is his best friend.  The man resting on a medical bed should have already lived his life and died, but Steve condemned him to torture and a mechanical arm.

 

He doesn't even think before he is calling Tony.  Tony answers and Steve doesn't hold back, already feeling comfort with the simple "Rogers?" Tony had said upon answering.  Steve tells him about the mission back during the war.  He tells Tony about Bucky and the loss and the guilt.  When he is done telling _that_ story, he tells Tony that he is looking at Bucky and he doesn't know what to do because it isn't fair.  He is so lost and he is so confused and he wants to know what to do in this situation.  How does one react?

 

Tony offers nothing more than silence and, in the end, Steve simply thanks him and hangs up the phone.  He didn't know what he interrupted and he will apologize later for it, but he needed to talk to Tony.  That simple comfort had him calm and ready for anything.

 

Natasha explains that Bucky won't wake until the orders are given, orders that she knows because she had handled him once upon a time.  She won't give them until Steve approves, but Steve is unsure of everything.  He asks that medical take a look and make sure he is okay before they do anything, and Natasha agrees.  Fury surprisingly follows along and doesn't ask them much about the mission.  Steve wonders if the man knew that Bucky was there all along and he doesn't put it past him.

 

Tony shows up at SHIELD without his armor, though Steve knows that it is hidden somewhere, waiting to come out if Tony needs it.  In true Tony fashion, he steps into the medical room and picks up Bucky's chart, flipping through it.  Nobody says a word until he looks up to Steve and asks if Bucky was ever bonded.

 

Steve remembers, a few days before Bucky fell, when his friend told him of a man he had met before being taken by Hydra.  Steve looks away from Tony and tells him that it doesn't matter because whoever it is probably died.  Tony doesn't care and needs the name, so Steve gives the only one he knows.

 

"Bucky called him Logan," he says.  "Some others called him Wolf or something like that.  He was talking a little too fast at the time for me to get everything."

 

Tony nods and hands the chart to Natasha as he leaves.  Steve doesn’t understand, but Natasha seems to.  She just smiles and settles on the edge of Bucky's bed, running a hand through his hair.  Steve asks what her smile is for.

 

"He's attached even without the connection.  Stark is ridiculously easy to read."

 

Something blooms in Steve's chest and he straightens.  "He is?"

 

"Don't get too excited, soldier."  Natasha smoothes a hand over Bucky's covers.  "He'll keep his distance because he doesn't want to do what fate wants.  He needs control in his life.  Just continue like normal and you'll get him eventually."

 

That isn't what Steve wants to hear, but he knows it's what he needs to do.  Tony doesn't have the feeling, so this is Tony's game.  Steve is just here for the ride and he won't get off even if his life depended on it.

 

When Steve leaves the medical room, he isn't surprised to see the armor that took to him standing watch outside of it.  Since nobody is around to see, he leans in to press a kiss to the metal cheek before asking it to stay and watch over Bucky.  When he goes down to the mess hall, the suit stays.

 

If there are three unconscious agents on the floor when he returns, well, it can't completely be his fault.


	5. The Only Thing You Can Do

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so, so sorry that this took so long to get out!

Tony brings home a man named James Howlett a week after they bring in Bucky.  Steve is confused because the man constantly tells Tony that his name isn't James and the only reason he was here was because he smells something that belongs to him.  Steve isn't sure what he means, but he is amused when James immediately steps up to him and sniffs a long line from his navel to his ear.  The glass in Tony's hand shatters and Steve is sure his face is bright red, but it's almost worth it to see that look on Tony.  The possessive jealousy that Steve has seen on so many other bonded people.  Natasha gets that look when people eye Clint.

 

"You've had him," James states and there's suddenly a metal claw attached to his wrist and digging almost painfully into Steve's chin.  "I don't know who, but you've had him."

 

"If you want him," Tony says slowly, "then you'll need to back off of him, buddy.  You kill him, I kill you.  I don't care how well you regenerate, you won't come back from what I do to you."

 

Something in Steve warms and he wants to lean forward onto that claw, just to see how Tony reacts.  He refrains, but only just.  Since Natasha mentioned that Tony is attached, Steve can see it more.  He should have noticed when the second suit attached to him; Tony never asks for it back.

 

"If I don't know who it is, then how do you?" James asks Tony and the claw slowly retreats from Steve's neck.  "Answer me!"

 

Tony motions for James to step away and he does.  Tony's eyes visibly travel over Steve's neck, frowning at the prick of blood, before he answers.  "He's at Shield.  Steve, I think this is who your friend was talking about."

 

"Bucky?"  Steve looks between Tony and James.  "But Bucky's intended should have died."

 

Tony points to James.  "Mutant.  He can regenerate a little better than you can and he's lived twice as long, I'll bet.  Goes by Logan since he got into the war and he actually helped your squad take out a few more things after you pitched into the ice."

 

James -or is it Logan?- scowls at Tony.  "I remember none of this."

 

"You wouldn't, but you can ask Xavier if you want confirmation.  I checked my sources well before finding you."  Tony holds out a bottle of beer to James (no, Logan – Steve needs to get used to calling him by his preferred name).  "Lost your memory sometime in the last two decades or so.  Before that, you were hunting for a body according to military records.  One the Germans found first.  One you're still searching for, am I right?"

 

"Tony…"

 

"Hush, Steve, I did this for you."  Tony doesn't look to Steve, but Steve feels his heart swell anyway.  "Anyway, want to meet him, James?"

 

"Logan, Tony.  Call him Logan."  Steve smiled and holds out a hand.  "I'm Steve Rogers."

 

Logan hesitates only a moment before taking Steve's hand in his.  "Yeah, hey."

 

Tony doesn't go with Steve and Logan to the base.  Which is fine because Logan asks questions about their non-existent relationship and Steve is too embarrassed to keep up a front of non caring.  Logan says he can't understand completely, but he feels Steve's pain because he has been searching for a single scent for as long as he can remember.

 

All it takes is the opening of the med bay doors before Logan's pupils are blow and a grin comes on his face.  Steve needs no other acknowledgement before he is calling Natasha in to wake Bucky up and bring him properly back into the world.  He needs his best friend back.

 

The reunion is bittersweet, but Steve doesn't want it any other way.  Bucky barely recognizes him, but he does know that Steve is familiar and safe.  They always had their own unique tie to each other and Steve is glad of it.  However, he doesn't recognize Logan at all, but it works both ways.  Steve feels as if he is intruding their moment, but he has to admit that it will be nice to watch them fall in love.  Logan had yet to let go of Bucky's still-flesh hand since he arrived.

 

Tony doesn't question, he simply brings them into the tower and gives Logan and Bucky their own area.  Steve tries to thank him, buy Tony has none of it and simply asks that things stay PG-rated while out of a bedroom.  He also says that Bucky's arm is a piece of junk and he will be making a new one as soon as possible.

 

Steve wonders if he can love Tony any more than he already does.  He doubts it, but he is willing to be surprised in the future.

 

Things are fine for another month.  Tony takes Steve on what can be considered a date (Steve counts eating lunch alone together on the tower balcony a date) and there is a new awkwardness between them.  Steve sees that Tony is getting scared, so he backs off and keeps their interactions to minimal.  It gets harder once Bucky takes stock of the situation and drags them near to another constantly, but he deals with it.  He made a promise to Tony and he won't break it.

 

The nights, as usual, are ignored the grand scheme of things.  Steve still sleeps with his body wrapped around Tony, keeping the nightmares at bay.  In the morning, they part without a word and go about the day as if the night never existed.

 

Bucky notices this and he corners Steve one morning to ask him about it.  Steve doesn't want to talk about it, especially since he and Bucky are still trying to find their footing.  Steve feels as though he is rebuilding a friendship and while it might even be better than the last, he wants things to go back to normal.  Normal doesn't include Bucky holding him down and pleading him to say something about Tony and what's going on with them.

 

Just when Steve thinks he will break open and spill everything on his friend, the alarm rings through the tower.  Steve is almost glad that it rings, even if that is overlain with worry.  This will be Bucky and Logan's first run with the team if they want to come.  Steve barely gets the question out before Bucky is smirking and telling him that their talk isn't over.

 

Steve meets him back out on the helipad where Natasha and Clint are there with the jet to pick them up.  Bruce waves at them as they leave and Steve won't push him to come along.  Bruce is here on his own wish and none of them will force him to fight if he doesn't want to.  He will for Tony, and Steve can't help but hold back jealousy at that, but Tony won't ask either.  Steve knows he shouldn't be jealous because what Tony has with Bruce is exactly what he has with Bucky, and he should only be happy that Tony has someone besides an AI to talk to.

 

All thoughts of Tony and Bruce are gone when Natasha debriefs them on what is happening.  They are going to a place in Maine where Hydra has secretly built a base.  They used a normal construction crew, built it to look like a factory, and then shipped in any equipment they actually need in the past day.  Steve clenches his fists and wonders when the terrorist groups will stop.  When will things just be normal?

 

He suddenly has a bad feeling and he doesn't like it.

 

Tony doesn't ask before opening the bay door, taking hold of Steve, and flying them both out of the jet.  Steve can hear his words in the com unit and he has to fight the childish grin that comes across his face when Tony says, "Cap and I got the first run."  There is no reason in that statement to smile, but he wants to because Tony picked him.

 

Natasha tells him to warn them next time, but she says nothing else.  Steve can already tell she has switched to being the Widow and he shakes his own head to put on his Captain face.  They do not need a love-sick Steve Rogers to lead them, they need Captain America.  He lets Tony fly them over the base so he can get a good look at it, and then he is firing off instructions to the team.  Tony adds his input when Jarvis picks up something in the scans, but otherwise there is no chatter on the lines.

 

Steve wonders if he is the only one that feels as if something is wrong.  He ignores that part of his mind again and points to where Tony should drop him.  Tony's arms grip tighter for just a moment; Steve has to force himself not to tell Tony to simply ignore the mission and just _keep holding him_.

 

The battle, as always, is chaotic.  Steve stays close to Bucky while Logan constantly keeps himself under or near Tony.  Steve had suggested they fight together, but Bucky admitted that he would be too distracted if Logan kept that close.  Logan said nothing, but Steve didn't need him to in order to see the same answer in his eyes.  There would be other battles, he knew, and they would reach a stable point in time.

 

It didn't take long for Steve to see an opening and motion for Bucky to follow him.  Just like during the war, after Steve finally joined it, Bucky simply nods and follows him inside.  Steve is reminded of the train as they go through their first hallway and he makes sure they step through the doorways together.

 

They meet no one and the sense of wrongness strengthens in Steve's chest.  From the set of his friend's shoulders, he could tell Bucky feels it as well.  Steve whispers a single word, a code for Tony to scan the building, and they wait outside of a door.  Tony returns shortly with a negative response and that is all they need to kick the door down and step into the main hub in the warehouse.

 

It is empty and Steve is confused.  He looks around at the emptiness, clutching the shield in his hand as tightly as he could.  "Bucky?" he asks, feeling their backs come together.

 

"I got nothing, Cap."

 

Steve wants to do nothing more than leave and let Tony torch the place.  He hates when they waste time on things like this – Clint has told him stories of false missions and ridiculous paper trails, but Steve never thought Hydra would do it."

 

"Let's go, there's nothing here."  Steve turns and goes to the door.

 

Bucky steps through first and Steve curses his stupidity.  Curses the fact that he didn't stay paranoid about doors and being closed off.  He can hear Bucky on the other side, swearing and hitting the door with his upgraded arm.  It dents, but it does not bend.

 

It is then that Steve realizes that he can hear Bucky through the door, but not on his com unit.  He puts a finger to his ear and calls for Tony, _screams_ for Tony, but he gets nothing.  He looks out the window to see Iron Man circle, but he doesn't try to fire at the building.  He is firing at something on the ground and Steve wants nothing more than to be out there.

 

He tells Bucky to run and get out before trying to find an exit for himself.

 

He gets halfway across the warehouse when a hissing fills the room and the gas is so thick that he can see it as it pours in.  He rips off part of his costume that hid the zipper and puts it over his face, hoping to stop whatever gas this is.  He needs to leave, and he needs to find Tony.

 

The gas hits him fast and the fabric does nothing to stop it.  Steve is four strides from the door when he goes down, coughing and trying to breathe.  The shield clatters uselessly next to him and he feels as if something inside were tearing apart.

 

It isn't blood that drips down his nose a few seconds later.  It's blue and Steve's eyes widen as he recognizes the exact shade.  He had watched as vials with this blue were attached onto a machine.  He had watched as another one shattered onto the ground.  Steve did nothing but stare as it pools on the floor, stunned and confused.

 

The tension in his body suddenly _snaps_ and Steve's entire world come to a stop.  He knows the serum is still flowing out of him, but it feels as if it is simply dripping.  Iron Man is now firing at the windows, but It takes minutes, not seconds, for those metal arms to lift.  Someone outside is yelling and it's so distorted that Steve cannot begin to comprehend it.

 

He can think of nothing but Tony and the fact that he could _no longer feel him_.  Steve clutches at his chest, fingers gripping the star so hard that it should have ripped off.  It does not and that is when he notices that the suit is getting bigger on him.  His muscles begin to shake and his knees ache from where they rest on the floor.

 

Steve does know if the tightness in his chest is from his asthma returning, or became of the sudden loss of Tony.  The pull, the _need_ , is no longer there and Steve can do nothing but stay on his hands and knees and cry.

 

He is still crying when the glass shatters and Iron Man flies in.  The serum now drips out from his nose and Steve doesn't know where his tears end and that begins because it's mixed and he has tainted it and he can't get it back.  He stares at the puddle of blue and dirt and tears and blood he didn't even know he was losing, and he wonders if anything it worth all of this.

 

He closes his eyes as Tony lays a metal hand on his shoulder and it is that hand that keeps him upright as he gives in to what his body now needs and faints.


	6. Is Look to the Future

He wakes with the familiar sound of machinery and the feel of too many blankets.  His limbs feels too weighted to try and lift the extra blankets off, and it doesn't help that one of his hands is wrapped within two others.  Steve forces his eyes to blink open and he tilts his head to stare at the unkept hair belonging to one Tony Stark.

 

Tony is holding his hand.  Steve should feel something, feel the spark in his chest, but there is nothing there.  There is an emptiness that he never realized could exist within him and it is in that moment that he realizes he had always felt the pull in his chest.  Everything he had ever done, every step he took in his life, had led him straight into the future and to the one man he could never have.

 

Tony is holding his hand.

 

Steve closes his eyes and takes a deep breath.  The machines make a different noise and the door to his room opens.  He knows who it is by memory more than his old hearing and while he does miss that, he misses so much more than his superhuman abilities.

 

Tony is still holding his hand while Bruce wordlessly checks him over.  Steve knows there should be words exchanged in situations like this, but he can't find any to say.  Bruce's small smile tells him everything he needs to know; they are working on this, they will figure this out.

 

Tony's hand squeezes his as Bruce shakes him carefully awake.  Tony doesn't look at Steve, and instead focuses on Bruce as he asks, "Any change?"

 

Bruce motions to Steve.  "He's awake.  Will you please shower now?"

 

Tony's hands leave Steve's as he whips his head around.  "Steve?"  His name is broken, whispered from Tony's mouth as if the man is afraid Steve will wither away.

 

Steve is sure that, at this rate, he will wither away and it hurts that Tony's concern does nothing for him.  There is no flutter, no jump in his heart.  Steve wants to cry.

 

He turns his head away and says nothing, wishing for sleep to claim him quickly so he doesn't have to watch Tony break down next to him.

 

"I'm sorry," Tony says again and again and again.  "I'm sorry," is what Steve falls asleep to in the cold, sterile room he never wanted to be in.

 

When he wakes again, it is Bucky that sits by his bed.  Bucky doesn't hold his hand, but he has removed a lot of the bulky blankets that cover Steve.  His fingers are typing something on a tablet Steve is sure Tony let him have and there, in the corner of the room, stands the suit that Steve has gotten used to.  It watches him and he figures that Tony has some kind of security in this room, despite it being Shield or the tower or wherever else he is stashed away at.  He sighs and looks away from the armor, hating that he has lost the man who pilots it.

 

"He's sleeping," Bucky says suddenly, eyes not moving from the tablet.  "We were getting worried about his health, so Bruce spiked his coffee and Thor carried him to bed."  Finally he looks up, putting the tablet off to the side.  "How are you feeling?"

 

Steve can't feel anything as he used to, so he shrugs.  Bucky's lips quirk up into a smile Steve hasn't seen in years and it feels as if he were transported back in time to when he had his worst asthma attack.  It was right after his mother died, and Bucky had been the only family left.

 

"That good?  You look great, by the way."

 

Steve laughs, though only a little.  An ache he hadn't felt since before the serum begins in his chest and he is forced to take deep breaths.  He did not miss this.

 

Bucky leans forward.  "I'm serious, though.  How are you feeling?"

 

"Empty," Steve tells him, closing his eyes so he doesn't have to see his friend's reaction.  "I feel empty, Bucky.  I can't feel him."

 

Bucky pats his shoulder and they say nothing more.

 

Steve doesn't leave the room in Shield medical (he found that out through Natasha when she came to see him) for another month as they check him over for any problems.  Other than the lack of serum and the list of issues he had before it, the doctors can find nothing wrong.  They give him an inhaler and instructions to take it easy until his body completely adjusts.

 

Steve has to borrow some of Natasha's clothes when the team comes to pick him up.  It is the first time he sees Tony since that one time when he woke and it still hurts.  Tony walks next to him, a warm hand plastered against his back protectively.  Steve wishes he could feel anything other than small gratitude for that, but he can't.

 

He locks himself in his room for the next week, only allowing Bucky and his suit-protector through the door.  Bucky fills him in on what the team does and how they're adjusting, but the suit just stands there.  Steve watches it sometimes at night, wondering if Tony is on the other side of some cameras and they are making eye-contact.

 

Tony forces his way into the room on his eighth day at the tower.  Steve has been contemplating leaving (the tower is for heroes, after all), but then Tony is there and bringing him food and a new sketchpad.  Tony smiles and touches him whenever he thinks he can get away with it and Steve does nothing but let him do it.  He clutches the new sketchbook to his chest and tries to will his body to remember how this was supposed to work, how it was supposed to feel.

 

It's frustrating both of them and Steve finally leaves his room on the tenth day to ask Thor.  He wishes he never did so.

 

"It happens sometimes," Thor says.  "When we go through things, our fates and our fated changes.  However, I have never seen it quite like this."  His fingers run through the air, as if he were stroking something.  "It is odd not to see you grasping for Stark, Captain."

 

Steve wants to cry, but he doesn't.  He just shrugs and says, "It's just Steve, Thor.  I'm no longer Captain America."

 

Thor opens his mouth as if to argue, but he says nothing.  He closing his mouth again and nods, gently patting Steve on the shoulder.  Steve appreciates his gentleness; Thor had never before taken such great lengths to keep himself from using his full strength against Steve before.

 

It is a bad idea, but Steve finds that he cannot stop himself.  "What about Tony?" is out of his mouth and he finds that he doesn't care that the question was asked.  He needs to know if this was feeling he had been blinded to before, or if something else happened.

 

"He yearns for you," Thor says and Steve feels as if the world were ripped out from under him.  "It is there where it hadn't been before.  Is this not some good news, Steven?"

 

"Yeah," Steve says, because what else can he?  "Thank you, Thor."

 

He hides from Tony again, pacing his room and cursing him lack of understanding when it came to chemicals and science.  He knows Bruce and Tony are searching for answers to what happened and he wants nothing more than to be there with them, searching for a way to put him back to normal.

 

Steve knows he cannot hide from Tony forever while staying in the tower.  He tells Bucky, and Bucky is silent for a long time before telling Steve, "I go where you go."  Steve is glad their bond never broke.  Most of all, he is glad Bucky is here with him.

 

If he had to do this without his best friend, Steve is not sure that he would be able to make it out of bed most mornings.

 

Tony hears of Steve’s plans to run and confronts him in the kitchens one chilly October morning.  Steve doesn’t know what to say when he sees him, so he keeps silent and takes the pile of vitamins Bruce put him on.  He doubts they are working, but he will not let the other lose hope, even if he is.

 

Seeing Tony watching him hurts, but he doesn’t dare say anything.  He leans against the counter, a glass clutched tightly in his hand, and hopes that Tony will say what he came to say before his legs decide they aren’t used to being so small.  He doubts he will completely fall over, but he would rather not make a fool out of himself now.

 

“I talked to Bucky,” Tony says finally.  “I asked him about you.”

 

This is not the conversation Steve ever wants to have.  “Yeah?”

 

Tony nods and pours himself a mug of coffee.  “You know, I can pinpoint the second when things seemed to snap in place for me.”  Steve hums and Tony continues.  “I don’t even think it was at the warehouse, either.  I think it was weeks ago, when you first let me hold you at night and didn’t expect anything else.  I was selfish, and I’m sorry.”

 

Steve shakes his head and put his empty glass in the sink.  “Stop this, Tony.  You did nothing wrong.”

 

“Maybe not, but can you blame me for what I feel now?”

 

“That’s just it, Tony.  What you feel for me, what I used to feel for you, it was stupid gods playing tricks.  The fate sisters or someone equally as demented.”  Steve steps away.  “You don’t want to be tied down, and I just realized that I could never do it to you.  So go, stop thinking about something like this.”

 

“Steve--”

 

“False emotions, Tony.  It’s nothing but false emotions.”

 

Steve runs from the room before Tony can say anything else.  He doesn’t want to be around when Tony fights against this, because Tony has always fought against what is expected of him.  Nobody expects him to do this, so that is what he will do.  Steve hates that he still knows him so well despite everything.  Steve hates that they could not have shared this feeling before.

 

Mostly, Steve hates himself for pushing Tony away.  He should not have done that, but there is nothing connecting them and it hurts.  It stings and stabs and leaves him openly wounded.

 

He tells Bucky that he needs to leave and Bucky doesn’t question.  He just nods and lets Logan know of their change in plans -- Logan goes along and Steve wants to cry at the luck that has been pressed into his fingers.  They pack only what they need, Steve begs Jarvis to be quiet, and then they wait for nightfall.  None of the team seem to know what they are planning, and even Tony has hidden himself in the workshop.  Steve can already smell the pine trees that would surround a home Logan said he knew of.  A safe place to go where even Tony wouldn’t dare enter.  A school for the gifted and, suddenly, Steve didn’t want to be anywhere else but behind a desk, learning techniques and maybe starting a gallery.

 

For a moment, he panics and wonders if this means that he has a new intended.  He doesn’t want that, he knows he wants Tony, but maybe someone else would be better?

 

The armor is standing outside the door when they try to leave in the dead of night.  Steve watches it, terrified that it would suddenly push them back into the room.  No such thing happens and he lets out a breath.  They were going to make it.

 

“I don’t see why you have to go.”

 

The shock from the voice put Steve on the floor, head between his knees and an inhaler in his hand.  Logan is snarling at Tony and Tony is apologizing as much as he can.  Bucky’s hand is steady on Steve’s back while he gets himself back under control.

 

“I just want to say goodbye!”

 

Logan’s snarling and the hand rubbing Steve’s back stops.  Steve looks up at Tony for a long moment before nodding.  He tells Bucky that he’ll be there soon and he can tell Bucky doesn’t want to go, but Logan smells something and pulls him away.  Steve looks back down now that he is alone with Tony.

 

“You don’t mind, right?” Tony asks, getting on Steve’s level.  “I just... I couldn’t let you leave without trying again.”

 

Steve bites out a laugh.  “Nothing will help.  You didn’t want me before all of this happened.”

 

Tony was quiet for a moment before leaning forward to run a hand through Steve’s hair.  “Maybe it's because I didn't need 'Captain America' at my side.”  Steve looks up, shock flowing through him at Tony’s words.  “Maybe I just needed Steve Rogers without the stars and stripes.”

 

“That doesn't make any sense.”  He wants it to be that simple.  Steve wants nothing more than for this to be true.  “If that’s true, then why don't I feel anything anymore?”

 

Tony shifts closer and his face is suddenly too close.  Steve feels as though he can’t breathe again.  “Because maybe I need Steve Rogers a lot more than Steve Rogers and Captain America needs Iron Man.”  Tony pulls them up off the floor.  His hands are strong and steady against Steve’s elbows.  “Maybe Steve Rogers needs Tony Stark and I… I don't know how to become him anymore.”  

 

Steve is not used to looking up at Tony.  He is used to Tony being the shortest, being the most vulnerable out of battle.  Steve feels lost staring up at him, caught between wanting to run and wanting to stay.  He knows Tony will accept either, but what does he want, truly?  "Tony?"

 

"Yeah, Steve?"  Tony hand comes to rest on Steve's cheek, gentle as if afraid to break him.

 

Steve hates that feeling, but he knows why Tony does it and he decides right then on what to do.  "Let me stay with you,” he begs, hoping Bucky won’t be too angry with him.  “I won't let my life be dictated by something like this.  I know it's you."

 

And he does know that this is Tony.  This is the man who let him share a bed to push away the nightmares.  This is the man who let one of his sentient suits follow him around as protection.  This is the man who gave him plenty of warning about not being perfect.  Steve wants nothing more than to slide back into his arms and feel again.  To experience what it means to have your intended next to you.  To grow old with them and be part of a family.

 

Steve smiled and leans into Tony’s hand.  “I know it’s you,” he repeats.

 

"I'm not letting go once you do this," Tony warns, though he leans closer.

 

The answer to that is an easy one.  "Then don't let go."

 

Tony laughs and murmurs something that sounds like 'Titanic' before kissing Steve.  There is no thundering in his chest.  There is no tickle of joy.  There is nothing.

 

Nothing but the weak fluttering of his heart and the ghost of a memory.

  
Steve grips his hands in Tony's jacket and never lets go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's the end, guys! Sorry it took so long to get this out - holidays and dying computers do that. Mine was on it's last leg.
> 
> Anyway, I'm sure this isn't ending how some people want it to, sorry. I hope you enjoyed it either way! No, there won't be sequels.


End file.
